One of my most memorable events of last year was a dowry negotiations ceremony I attended at the request of my long time high school friend. I was awed at the audacity of those in-laws in their demand for bride price.
“Our daughter is a university graduate so the total number of cattle must be more than 10,” one of the grizzled negotiators said. The couple is now happily married and is already expecting their second child, talk of hard work.
Which brings me to my topic: Fellow men, there is a certain type of baggage that shouldn’t make its way to the New Year:
1. Paying for the ‘visit’
We must put an end to the issue of sending bus or cab fare to women. Who came up with this crazy law by the way? The amount of money that has been ‘eaten’ by women who failed to turn up last year is enough to fund a handful of counties. Listen, fellow lads, our girlfriends have found new fun in spending that fare you send them.
They say fare is very sweet. They are saying that when they plait their hair with that fare money they look absolutely gorgeous. Is it fair for a man to work his head off in a quarry, make money only for it to be squandered by a woman?
2. Expensive weddings
Secondly, fellow kings, we are no longer buying in to the pressure of expensive weddings this year. See, a wedding only favours the woman. Look at the gifts delivered on the wedding day. They all range from kitchen ware to beauty products. Have you ever received a belt as a wedding gift? No. Reason? Those gifts are purchased with a feminine touch in mind.
So, kings, arrange and visit her parents, take a few goats and traditional brew for them, appreciate them for bringing up a ‘very responsible and understanding’ human being, and that’s it. By the way, when you die, it is only the number of children you had that will be counted, not the number of vehicles that graced your wedding.
3. Attending baby showers
Gentlemen, from this year onwards, no more attending of any feminine gathering. We are tired of looking awkward in those baby showers, in salons as we wait for nails to get done, in chamas as they endlessly deliberate the end of our gender. In fact, fellow men, if she is going to meet her girls for some ‘girl talk’, she cannot even be dropped there. Let us just concentrate on more masculine events like watching and playing soccer and paying school fees.
4. Going out of the way to impress
Finally, noble lads, we will no longer stop traffic to impress any woman who doesn’t have the title wife or fiancée. No more meeting strange brides in entertainment joints and making your way home with them. These people have stolen enough of our television sets. This year, we are only holding serious discussions in those entertainment joints. We are going to be impressed by brains, not body parts. If those two are commensurate then maybe we can talk. What am I saying in short? This is the year of liberation for the boy child.